Dating in Your 40s After Divorce: 12 Tips from A Pro

Didn’t expect to be 40-something and single? Me either! But dating in your 40s after a divorce is an exciting opportunity to develop a deeper relationship with yourself and meet a whole bunch of new, wildly exciting people.

Here are a few tips I wish someone had given me when I set out to mix and mingle.

#1 Wait a year before you date

Leaving a long-term relationship is messy and you’re probably a hot disaster. You need time to figure out who you are and tidy up your life.

If you aren’t officially divorced, get your sh*t sorted and file that.

Even if you didn’t get married, work out your child custody arrangements and financial settlement first as well. No one healthy wants to deal with your drama.

If you can’t wait a year and you’re just after a “rebound,” then put that in your profile. Dating apps are full of people in your situation.

Pro-tip, if you’ve been single or divorced for a few years, make sure you weed out the rebounds. These people are not emotionally ready to handle a long-term relationship no matter what they say.

#2Figure out how to exist on your own

Do you know what sucks? Dating people who can’t be alone, who don’t know themselves and who are unconsciously looking for a relationship as a band-aid for their psychological issues.

Is that you? Then it’s time to hang out with yourself.

Pro-tip, the best way to create healthy relationships with others is to develop one with yourself first. Go out to dinner, take yourself to that movie, or better yet, do everything and anything you want to do alone first… and then date.

Being alone can feel like moving to a foreign country, but after a while, the freedom and serenity of doing whatever you want without compromise transforms into bliss.

#3 Heal your childhood trauma

Do you know why you got divorced or left your partner? Because of your childhood trauma and their childhood trauma.

No matter how you slice it, you partnered with that person based on your experience with your parents. You can blame them all you want, but until you take responsibility for what’s going on in your dang mind, you’ll most likely attract partners just like your ex or at least who mimic the same relationship dynamics and patterns.

So if you’re truly looking for a healthy relationship, determine your attachment style, and find a great psychologist. This will be the best investment you ever made.

# 4 Define what and who you DO want and what and who you DON’T want

Like all things, approach dating with goals. Ask yourself what type of relationship or experience would suit you best. And then determine the type of person you’d like to meet.

There is nothing wrong with writing this down and getting clear on exactly what you want.

And as soon as you’re clear on what you do want, write a list of what you don’t want.

#5 Have fun but hold your boundaries

Once you jump on the apps, you’ll start messaging and getting messages. Keep things flirty and fun. But also use the opportunity to screen. The best questions to ask are:

• How long have you been single? (If it’s less than 1 year, move on unless you’re just looking for a rebound)
• What do you do for work? (Make sure they are employed and responsible)
• What do you like to do for fun? (Similar hobbies are a bonus)
• What are you looking for (i.e. relationship, adventure, don’t know…)
• Have you done any therapy or how do you look after your mental health? (if the answer is no, then it’s up to you to decide if you want to dip your toes in)

Keep track of how many questions you receive. I’ve found that people will answer your questions, but not ask you any in return. This means this person either does not know how to have a conversation or is not that interested in you. Make sure they are engaging and as curious about you as you are about them.

#6 Get tested and require tests

Remember those classes from school where you learned about STDs and safe sex? Welcome back!

Don’t go there with anyone unless they’ve had an STD test. That may sound harsh, but it says a lot about a person’s character.

Often, even if they aren’t up-to-date they will go and get tested especially if they want a relationship with you.

#7 Watch out for red flags

Red flags are hard to see especially when you think you’ve met someone that might be a good match. Be vigilant. You deserve to meet someone who is kind and honest and who you can rely on.

Remember, to truly know a person is to watch their behaviour, not what they say. People are what they do.

Red flags include:

• Constantly talking about their ex
• Acting possessive, jealous or controlling
• Refusing to communicate about their feelings or the status of the relationship
• Pressure to move too fast or become exclusive quickly
• Criticism, verbal abuse, lies or dishonest behavior
• Refusal to respect boundaries or personal space
• Being dismissive or disrespectful of your hobbies or interests
• Being unavailable or flaky on plans (canceling at the last minute or showing up late)
• Aggressive, violent or disrespectful behavior
• Substance abuse
• Lack of empathy

If you spot any of this behaviour, move on. After dates, I like to keep a diary of how I felt during the date and write down any potential red flags. This keeps me focused on the reality of the situation and the fog from my rose-coloured glasses clear.

#8 Don’t settle until you’ve both agreed to be exclusive

Don’t commit until you’ve had the exclusivity conversation. Just because you’ve gone out for a few months and you both like each other, this does not mean anything unless you’ve both agreed to lock it down.

There is nothing worse than thinking you met your person than to find out they are still dating other people. Never assume.

#9 Clear communication always wins the game

This brings me to this point — clearly communicate who you are and what you want. Be brave, bold, fearless and authentically you.

It’s a lot easier to say what you want than to try to mold yourself to what someone else wants or find out that you are both looking for something different.

#10 Dating is a numbers game

The more opportunities you give yourself to meet new people, the better your chances of finding someone you click with. Besides joining a dating app, take a class, and find other ways to increase your chances of meeting someone new.

You never know who you might connect with, so don’t be afraid to branch out and try new things.

#11 Grow a pair — don’t ghost

If you don’t like someone, kindly let them know sooner rather than later. Don’t be afraid to be yourself and don’t be afraid to ask questions.

If you’re not feeling it with someone, move on. Time is a precious resource for a 40-something with a career and kids.

#12 Be patient and practise self-care

Don’t be discouraged if you don’t find someone right away. Make sure you’re doing things that make you happy and fulfilled, and don’t let dating consume your life.

This includes not only physical self-care but also emotional and mental self-care. Remember to set aside time for yourself and engage in activities that bring you joy. Again, I highly recommend using a therapist for any/all dating issues that might pop up.

Conclusion

At the end of the day, if you’re lucky like I am, you already have a wonderful life and finding a partner is a bonus. I hope these tips help you discover a healthy relationship with yourself and others. Single life has its perks and I hope you can enjoy this phase in your life as any other.

Christina Cannes is a trauma-informed hypnotherapist, and nutritionist helping entrepreneurs, business owners and creatives uplevel their life and business with Belief Hacking™. If you’re ready to drop the subconscious programs, trauma, and emotions that prevent you from being who you truly are and creating an amazing life and business find out more here.