How Domestic Violence Taught Me To Actually Live

Growing up in an abusive household meant that I never knew what it felt like to be loved or how a healthy relationship functioned. This made my adult life tricky to navigate.

What you are modelled as a child, tends to be what you unconsciously create as an adult. Even though I consciously knew that my childhood was unhealthy and I actively tried to make better choices as a young adult, despite my best efforts, I still ended up in a marriage that mirrored my parents' abusive, co-dependent and violent divorce.

Once I understood that I had unconsciously created my situation, it became the key to my freedom. Ultimately, it showed me how much I needed to change and prompted me to drastically transform. Here is how I used domestic violence to create a happy, healthy life.

1. I took full responsibility

I took full responsibility for my situation, but I never blamed myself. I knew that the relationship with my abusive partner was a result of my childhood experience. I knew that I had unconsciously created it despite how hard I worked to avoid it.

But despite knowing that something was wrong, and actively trying to fix it, it was not until I finally understood what abuse was that I was able to change. So many of us grow up in abusive households that we don’t understand the difference between abuse and love.

My biggest realization was this: if I had unconsciously created my abusive marriage, I was now going to consciously create a life that attracted healthy relationships. I had the power.

2. I never identified as a victim

Even when I feared for my life, I never saw myself as a victim. While we do have to admit that terrible things were done — or are being done to us — I refused to believe that I was powerless. I fought back — not physically — but energetically.

I refused to be treated badly anymore, so I put up boundaries. I refused to let the other person affect how I felt so I started to work through my emotions. I refused to let the other person manipulate me in any way, so I told friends, family, teachers, and the police the truth and stayed calm while I explained my situation. I asked for support and understanding. I never let shame or guilt stop me from getting out of my marriage. I tore off my chains and refused to put them back on.

3. I directly addressed my co-dependency and self-sacrificing behavior

The underlying issue in many and most abusive relationships is codependency. Codependency is best defined as the sacrifice of self for another OR sourcing safety, security, identity, self-worth and regulation from someone outside of ourselves.

Once I understood that I had re-created my childhood, I had information. I knew that my father and ex-husband were both malignant narcissists which meant that I was codependent. I started attending CODA meetings right away to identify, work through and seek support from others in similar situations. It saved my life.

4. I focused on my physical and mental health

Stress and trauma wreak havoc on your physical and mental health. While experiencing abuse or going through a high-conflict divorce, please seek help and assistance from the appropriate medical professionals. I opted for domestic violence trained counsellors who supported both me and my children throughout the marriage break-up and divorce. Fortunately, these services were also free.

I also focused on my physical health by eating healthy food, exercising every single day, sleeping regularly and making sure I was supporting myself emotionally with alternative therapies such as acupuncture, massage, reiki, sound healing, psychological astrology, yoga and group healings.

5. I ditched all toxic people and behaviors

Take an audit of your life and be honest with yourself: what and who needs to go?

For me this was a challenge. I had mostly toxic friends and family. Instead of just cutting them out completely, I got honest and vulnerable about their behavior. I explained that the way our relationship was constructed did not benefit me. Most people reacted in an unhealthy way so thanks to my newfound boundaries, I let them go. I ended up not speaking to most of my family for three years while I healed.

6. I learned how to be happy alone

This is the most important lesson I had to learn: to enjoy my own company. I highly recommend healing your relationship with yourself before you bring anyone new into your life.

Because of the abuse and trauma from both my childhood and marriage, I was very disconnected from my true wants and needs. I spent two healthy years after my divorce simply dating myself. Stay single for as long as you need to heal. Do not go looking for anyone else to “save” you — save yourself first.

7. I healed my trauma

Everyone carries around trauma. Trauma is not limited to extreme occurrences, such as abuse or accidents, trauma is defined as any experience — no matter how big or small — that disconnects you from your true “self.” Also, any experience that dysregulates our emotions, thoughts, body, health or spirit is considered trauma.

I healed my trauma by getting into my body through meditation, dance, yoga, somatic therapies, hypnosis, emotional clearing and holographic kinetics — an Australian Aboriginal healing modality that directly heals trauma.

As a result of addressing my trauma, I easily gave up all alcohol and other addictions. I no longer needed to “escape” my life — I actively enjoyed it. I began to feel joy and play like a child again. Life became beautiful and full of colour. I became unshakeable — the extreme reactions and stress spirals were long gone. Now, there isn’t much I can’t laugh at.

8. I got clear on my values

After working through my trauma, I wanted to get a little deeper with myself. There is a lot of talk about “living in alignment” and I wanted to really understand what that meant.

For me, it meant understanding my core values. I discovered that as long as I make decisions based on my four core values, life flows. My values are health and wellness, freedom, creativity and community. Everything I do feeds and nurtures these values which allows me to live a more meaningful life and prevents me from sacrificing my true self.

9. I listened to my intuition

Living through years of abuse and then suffering through years of a very high-conflict divorce created so much stress that for many years I was not able to truly listen to myself. I was in a constant state of fight/flight/freeze which created racing thoughts and pure panic most days. It wasn’t until I was able to work through my trauma that my inner wisdom came back online.

Learning to, and dedicating time to meditate each day, truly transformed my life. Being able to quiet my mind and tune into my inner knowing and what resonated to me in my heart, became the new normal. Living life from the inside out is what creates true change. It’s how I learned to create my new healthy life.

Always remember you have the power to change your life.

Christina Cannes is a coach and creativity catalyst helping entrepreneurs uplevel their life and business with Belief Hacking™. If you’re ready to drop the subconscious programs, trauma and emotions that prevent you from being who you truly are and creating an amazing life visit her website here to access her free meditations and ebooks.